I HAVE LOST ALL HOPE

Lost all hope in ever finding a matching pair of socks. Although Joanne is doing most of the household chores, she doesn't do them with the passion she used to. I don't mean to complain, mind you, she has a lot more important things to deal with, like getting her frozen shoulder to stop hurting while trying to keep it limber. Working her hand to get her strength back and make her fingers work again. And she does endless, sometimes mindless word puzzles to work on her speech. She had an allergic reaction to an antibiotic which made her break out in a spotted, itchy rash, all over her body. Just as it was getting under control, it came back with a punch. She is finally feeling better. Please continue to keep us in your prayers. We all are still adjusting to our new lives and it can be quite challenging sometimes.

LIFE GOES ON

It has been five months since the stroke and Joanne has been doing well. She still has to work on her fine motor skills in her right hand. It is taking a long time to get her hand and arm to work. She developed a 'frozen shoulder' which apparently is very common after a stroke. It is a very painful condition which limits the movement in her arm, which is makes using her right hand and arm very difficult and slows down the occupational therapy.
Her speech is still improving. Some days are very good and some days are not as good as others. She has a great sense of humor about it most of the time but we do have those moments when she is just plain frustrated and unhappy about it. Overall, she has been very positive and upbeat during all of these trials. She tries to schedule a good cry every two week or so.
We are all adjusting to all of the challenges and we all have good days and not so good days. Friends and family continue to help with chores and errands and we still have been receiving meals on a pretty regular basis. I am so grateful for all the help we have received. I don't know how we would have made it without all of the love and prayers we received.

TESTING, TESTING, 1, 2, 3.

Joanne had quite the day today. She was scheduled for an MRI of her brain, an MRA of her head and an MRA with injected dye of her head and neck. If you know what it's like to have an MRI, you know it's not too much fun. She was nervous. She did a great job for the MRI witch took a little more than a half an hour. She took a short break, and ended up with a chill and a case of nerves. She was very brave and agreed to jump back in and go for the second part of the scan. This was a bout 15-20 minutes. The technician suggested that we come back tomorrow for the last part of the test which as she put it, is very long...yikes! She said most people can't do so many scans all at one time. I am very proud of Joanne, I don't know if I would be able to have an MRI. It is a little too tight for me. They took some amazing pictures. The technician said she had a beautiful brain, very bright, she could hardly look at it without sunglasses, ha, ha. We will follow up with the neurologist in the near future and I suppose he will let us know how she is healing and that all is well.

THIS IS HOW I FEEL

I feel like there is always one more thing to do.
Pray that I will have the endurance to do everything I need to do.
--Paul

I MISS MY LIFE

This is what Joanne said to me. Even though she is doing so well, it is still a daily struggle. We gauge how well she is doing, but the starting point is '0'. Before the stroke she was 110. She has regained so much and I thank God for that, but so much was taken away. After all the visitors leave, after the light conversations and small talk, life goes on. Dealing with the day to day needs of a family. Homework, laundry, cleaning up a spilled glass of milk, consoling hurt feelings, redirecting an argument, expressing your feelings of joy or sadness, disappointment or optimism.
Buttering a bagel with one hand, opening a jar or bottle, pulling on a pair of pants, tying your shoe. It is a battle every day.

HELLO 2008

We say good bye to 2007 and look forward to the new challenges of 2008. Joanne has come so far in such a short time. The past two months however, does seem like an eternity. She had what I am calling a "growth spurt" on Thursday. She was getting more sensation in her hand and it was noticeably stronger and more responsive. In the evening after an OT session, she was pouring milk for dinner, saying, "Hey, look at me!", as she was doing a little dance around the table. She was like a child with a new toy. She kept walking around picking things up. It was very exciting to see. She is rather frustrated at the prospect of not being able to drive for a while. And she is bothered at times with the inability to find the right words. I know she does not want to be defined as a person who had a stoke. It certainly is not who she is, it is just something that happened to her. She is so determined to regain her speech and her strength. Her determination is truly an inspiration. Joanne has been so strong though this and had risen to each challenge with such grace. We have had our share of tears. I am sometimes surprised by the tears, since she has been so strong. I am very proud of her for staying focused and for saying, "I don't like this, but it happened and I need to work until I get well."

I keep thinking of, Romans 8:28 and 8:32, "And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.", "He who did not spare His own Son, but delivered Him over for us all, how will He not also with Him freely give us all things?" What good comes from someone having a stroke? What good comes from a family turned upside down? What good comes from a husband thinking that his wife may not live through the next day? Luke 11:11-13, "Now suppose one of you fathers is asked by his son for a fish; he will not give him a snake instead of a fish, will he? Or if he is asked for an egg, he will not give him a scorpion, will he? If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask Him?"

We may never know what ultimate good God has caused by Joanne having a stroke, but I know that He has been present in our home, like a dear friend, laughing with us and crying with us and just being with us. I can say with absolute certainty that I have almost literally felt Him carrying me along. He put people in our life who where there to help us physically, emotionally and spiritually. I would much rather if Joanne had not had a stroke, but she did, and I am so thankful that we have a loving God to rely on. I wouldn't have been able to get through this challenge without His help.

POST CHRISTMAS UPDATE

Well, the past two weeks since the visit with the neurosurgeon has been a very busy time. With me back at work, it hasn't left me much time to keep up with my entries. My entire office has been very supportive. They have made my transition back so much more manageable. I want to thank everyone in my team for stepping up and working so hard to enable me to leave early each night. Being back at work certainly adds another level of challenges to the mix. It has been and will continue to be a big adjustment for all of us.

Joanne continues to work hard and improve every day. She is determined not to let anything slow her down. She was wrapping presents and tying bows just before Christmas. She worked a little more slowly than past years, but she worked very hard to convince her right hand to help with the wrapping. I sorely missed her writing out all the envelopes for our Christmas cards this year, but under her guidance, I was able to type and print them. If I tried to write them, no one would have gotten a card this year. I apologize to anyone reading this who was expecting a card but did not receive one. We had a wonderful Christmas. Quiet time at home in the morning, then a casual dinner a her sister Susan's. I am so happy that we were all together.

Joanne will be continuing her speech and occupational therapy well into the new year. With all of the holiday visits, I think she has done an amazing job talking with everyone. I have noticed that I am filling in a lot of the blacks for her and finishing her sentences when she gets stuck on a word. I am trying to stop that, but I think I am trying to be protective of her. She is a little self conscious when we are around people we don't know very well or if she is talking to a store clerk. When she tells people she had a stroke eight weeks ago, everyone's jaw drops in disbelief. She still mixes up our names, but I think she did that before too. Her choice of words is often funny and not quite right for her meaning, but we can usually figure out what she means.

We received a call early in the morning on Christmas eve. I was rather put off that someone could be so inconsiderate to call us at 8:15am on Christmas eve. It was the social worker from the rehab calling to inform us that she was working out an agreement with our insurance company to cover the cost of the occupational therapy. I didn't mind the early call after all. I have made dozens of phone calls, faxed and emailed and now it seems to be finally working out. And as soon as January 1st comes, I get to start all over again. We are 'fortunate' that this happened at he end of the year. By fortunate, I mean that we used up the 30 visit out patient benefit for the calendar year and start fresh at the beginning of the new year. It still may not cover all of her visits, but I can't image what we would have done if the insurance didn't work out like this. God has provided so abundantly through this entire situation. I don't know how people can do it without Him.

TUESDAY'S DOCTOR VISIT

We met with Dr Ronald Benitez, the neurosurgeon who preformed the procedure on Joanne after her stroke. He is one of only three surgeons in New Jersey who do this surgery. He was encouraged by her progress. Whenever they perform these surgeries, they assess the tools, potential implants and the patients needs. He said they really pushed the envelope with Joanne. She had the worst dissection of a carotid artery he has ever seen. She is only one of two or three patients who have received these stints to stabilize the artery. They are truly on the cutting edge of this technology.

He also said he was going to call the neurologist from the ER to commend him on his course of treatment. Normally someone who presented with Joanne's symptoms would not be treated, considering the fact that she had improved so dramatically during her ER visit. Typically they would dismiss it as a TIA, or mini-stroke that just corrected itself. We are so fortunate that they decided to admit her and ultimately, to contact Dr. Benitez. As we look back, we can see how God ordered things to happen this way. It truly is a miracle.

We learned that it will most likely be 3-6 months before she can consider driving again. She is not too happy about that. He told us that the next three months to a year, we will see the most improvement is her condition. He felt that she will be in great shape considering how far se has improved in just six weeks.

Joanne will continue to go three times a week for speech and occupational therapy. She is making great progress! She can pick up items with her right hand and is getting more strength in her arm. Her speech is improving day by day, sometimes hour by hour. We do still have some difficult times. While we were in the waiting room today she asked me something about a popsicle stick. She said, "What's that? A popsicle stick? What am I talking about?" God bless her for being able to laugh about these things. I'm not sure that I would be.

LEAVING NOTES FOR JOANNE

Terry here. I realize since Joanne is home now, many of you have had the opportunity to visit her, to call her and send notes to her home address. But I also wanted to make everyone aware that Joanne now logs onto the blog herself and reads comments. So... in light of this, and the fact that Paul is back to work, and all of us are entering the busy Christmas season, I wanted to encourage everyone to keep the comments coming. I know how much she loves reading your thoughts, prayers and encouraging words. Thank you for continuing to invest your time into our dear sister!!!

http://joannebuddjournal.blogspot.com/

WEEKEND UPDATE

Well, I'm off to work. It is going to be a huge adjustment for both Joanne and I, with me going back to work. Although I plan to leave a little earlier each day, it will definitely add another challenge to the mix. We are all set up with rides to and from therapy. Friends, (the best friends in the entire world), are coming over to do laundry, shop and run errands as needed. So I expect this to be a smooth transition. I guess I am feeling a little protective and I'm not quite ready to leave.

We went for a short shopping trip this weekend and we picked up our Christmas tree as well. We decorated the house and tree. Even though we are so happy that Jo is home and doing so well, the tone was a little solemn. I think we all felt the difference in how much Joanne could and couldn't do. She has always been the executive in chief when it comes to decorating, so we were only running at half steam.

Please continue to lift her up in prayer so that she will not become discouraged or depressed. She has a long battle still ahead and she will need the endurance to get through this. Pray that I will have the endurance as well to be helpful, understanding and patient. Each day offers great hope and great challenges, we need to stay on track and not become discouraged.

MY DRAWINGS by Joanne Budd

As I establish and wince and see a pinch of tan beneath it with color. My draws one are on colors, pink crayon and tan. I cannot stop off me for this smartest allow for me the color. I draw immediately for me senses me arouse.

Joanne is able to speak so well and yet, when she tries to put her thoughts in writing she often comes up with rather poetic prose.

Thursday, December 6th

Chloe tells her superior Nadia Yassir that she got a weird military request from Homeland Security. Nadia confirms that this is the assault on Assad. They will find him by using Jack Bauer. Chloe is surprised when Nadia tells her that President Palmer negotiated the release of Jack from a Chinese prison. Nadia refuses to give Chloe any more information, but says that Buchanan is meeting Jack at an airfield.

Now that Joanne is leading a relatively normal life, I thought I needed spice up the entries with a little action, courtesy of 24 season six. Jo is continuing to make strides. Her speech therapist is teaching her to slow down and systematically plan what she wants to say. You can imagine how difficult that is, especially for Joanne who is a go, go, go, type A, get things done quickly, kind of gal. As our life is getting back to normal, Joanne is becoming more involved with everyday chores. She is helping the kids with homework, but they do need to be watchful of her "help", since she still tends to say the wrong words and calls us each by the wrong name. It can be very confusing to Isabel, when Joanne is emphatically saying, "Oliver, OLIVER, why don't you look at me when I talk to you?" The teary answer, "I'm Isabel." We are fortunate that somehow I am able to know what she is trying to say. I suppose 17 years of marriage has paid off. I know that she is starting to feel out of touch and out of control of some things. I have begun doing the Christmas shopping which she usually does the lion's share. She teased me yesterday when I said I finished shopping for the kids, she said, "That's good. You never shop before December 24."

Please continue to pray that Joanne will not become discouraged. She is very bothered by the fact that her hand isn't working and that she comes out with crazy words. Pray that I will remain patient when trying to understand her when she really isn't making sense and I am distracted by other things I need to take care of. And Pray that the children will not see her in any lesser way as their mother and as an authority over them. The fact that she mixes up her words, often makes us laugh, but I see that it can also lessen her ability to be authoritative with the kids. As always, thank you so much for your continued support of our family during this crazy journey.

Tuesday, December 4th

"I praise you because you are my favorite." I'm your favorite? "No, I praise you because you are my favorite with the children." This was our conversation on the way to therapy. I still don't know what she really meant, since we both gave up shortly after that and moved onto something else. Although Joanne is doing so well and improving every day, as we start to get into a 'normal' routine, it can sometimes be difficult to communicate in a completely normal way. I am finding that my own patience is being challenged now. I am accustomed to Joanne being ten paces in front and checking off the third item on the to do list, before I have even processed the list myself. I am finding that I have to stop what I am doing and focus on what she is trying to say. I guess it's God working on MY need to slow down and not be so task driven now.

This week will be my last full week home before returning to work. I am using the time to finalize all the therapy sessions for the upcoming weeks, confirming rides to and from and arranging for someone to be with Joanne during the day. She doesn't really need anyone there to help, but I think it is good for her not to be completely alone during the day. I am also
using this week to take care of all those annoying extra task. I broke a tooth a couple of weeks ago and have been holding off on having it fixed until we were settled at home. The dog needs to go to the vet and I need to do few things around the house. I had such grand plans for all the things I was going to do once Joanne was home...I haven't started a single one. But, there is always later... tomorrow... next week.

It has been nice having visitors. We do enjoy opening our home to guests. I have enjoyed seeing Joanne sitting with a cup of tea talking to friends. As you all know, she is always so busy even at home, that she rarely would sit long enough to have a talk over tea. I do have one small request regarding the wonderful meals we are receiving, and that is, please don't bring so much. We can't eat as much as is being made. Our freezer is full and I don't want to waste the food. And at the risk of sounding ungrateful, please no more spaghetti and ziti. We can't possibly eat all of the huge pans you have all so thoughtfully made for us. But, thank you, thank you for being so generous and so loving to our family during this time. I am still amazed at the out pouring of love we continue to receive. I think I mentioned this before, with all the things everyone is doing for us, all the praying for us, all the encouraging words and talk about the blog, Isabel said, "It's like we are famous or something." But I told her we are not famous... just loved. Keep praying for us because it is what is keeping us going. Prayer. Does a body good.

Monday, December 3rd

Hello everyone. Terry here. Just a quick note about the meal calendar. Some time ago I revised the instructions for signing up to make a meal, however, there is still on-going confusion. In the event you did not see my note, I'd like to restate it here. The calendar was created for viewing purposes only. If you attempt to add your name to a day, only you will see it. In order to secure your date, and allow everyone else to view your name on the calendar, you will need to call one of the 3 contacts listed under the "Make a Meal" section. Only the 3 of us have the capability to schedule. There have been a few occasions where the Budd's received multiple meals because individuals thought they signed themselves onto the calendar. I apologize for the confusion.

Regardless of all of this... the Budd's are loving the meals! Thank you for your on-going expression of love... through food!!!

~Terry

Sunday, December 2nd

It's amazing how the simple things become so significant. Tonight, after her shower, Isabel came downstairs and proudly announced, "Mommy blow dried my hair all by herself." Joanne was able to hold the blow dryer in her right hand. For the rest of us, this is no big deal, but for Joanne, this is huge. Now, Izzy's hair wasn't really all that dry, but the fact that Jo was able to do it at all was amazing. When we all sat down on the couch after this, Joanne proudly stated, "I am proud of the new dress.", which translates to, "I am so happy that I was able to dry Isabel's hair." Aside from the fact that Joanne keeps calling us all by the wrong names, her speech is coming along a little each day.

Saturday, December 1st

Our first full week home has been filled with a few new challenges and an enormous amount of progress. During speech on Friday, Joanne had the therapist laughing at her sentences. "We do not do coffee brewing in the bathroom.", "The bathtub is like a large sink.", "The paintbrush had a lot of sage green paint.", and my favorite, "A spider, so lonely, turns its web." She continues to make us laugh with her word play. A few of the exercises she was working on was to list colors, fruit, vegetables, tools, etc. She doesn't just say, red, blue, green, she says, "plum red, carillon blue, sage green". The therapist keeps commenting on the fact that she consistently uses these descriptive words. No wonder she is having some trouble speaking, she is searching for the right adjective to express herself, classic Joanne. All three kids slept over the Grattagliano's, so we went to dinner together after an afternoon speech session. I think the children are going to look back at this time and think, "We had so much fun when mommy had stroke." Thank you to all our dear friends who have to willingly taken such good care of the children. The Boch's, the Diquattro's, the Hastings', the Hutzel's, the White's and more. I don't know how we would have gotten through this and continue to get through, without all your help and support. While Jo was in the hospital and rehab, I would be handed a list at the beginning of each week which told me who was taking the kids to school, who picked them up from school, who was doing homework with them and what time they would be coming home for dinner.

Joanne is beginning to have more control of her right hand. She is able to open and close her hand and has quite a good grip. The thumb is the last hold out, but seeing her progress, I am certain that is not too far behind. I will be taking one more week off before returning to work. I will still need to take a couple of random days off and leave a little earlier than usual for the next few weeks. I am so thankful that my office has been so supportive, understanding and compassionate about our situation. As hard as all of this has been, we have been blessed in so many ways by so many people. I have said several times that we can so clearly see God using this for His glory, but I wish he didn't choose my wife to do it. But...He knows best!

It's real.

Thursday, November 29th

Poor Joanne. She has a handful of phrases that she gets stuck on all the time. As she is talking, she will say, "It's real", "I noticed" and mixes up he and she, which makes for some very funny conversations. The kids and I need to be sure we don't jest too much about this. Sometimes we can laugh about it, but if she is trying to express something more important, she gets angry if we joke about it. Her speech therapist has banned her from using,'cool', 'groovy' and 'thing', when she is working on her sentence writing project. She was trying to get away with sentences such as: The pencil is a cool thing.... The table was groovy. As she would say this, she would be looking up at the therapist out of the corner of her eye in a mischievous way. She knows it's not right, but is playfully trying to get away with it. We walked through the entire Garden State mall Wednesday after therapy. She was intimidated at first, and I think a little self conscious about her hand and limited speech. She was feeling pressure to start Christmas shopping, but for the most part we just window shopped. It was a challenge for me to walk by her side. In the past she would be ten paces in front of me, but now she was ten behind. I had a mission to accomplish... We will get through this mall! But Joanne was more interested in strolling and browsing. We walked for almost three hours. She was exhausted. We got home and she crashed on the couch for an hour till the kids came home from school. As usual, she jumps right in and tries to help.

As always, thank you all so much for everything you continue to do for us. It's real!

Tuesday, November 27th

I apologize if I am ranting on this entry. I am a little fried today...

This is harder than I thought it would be. It's great having Jo home, but I think it was easier when she was in rehab and all we needed to do was push the nurse button when she needed something. Doing homework with the kids and helping Joanne with her speech therapy assignments. Today both Sam and Oliver where home with coughs and sore throats. Joanne had one too so we were off to the doctor with her this afternoon. Joanne's speech homework was a page of pictures which she needed to identify and write a simple sentence containing the word. Words such as fork, pencil, table and cat are proving to be a great challenge to put into a sentence. She cried with frustration at how hard it was to do this and yet she was able to speak relatively clearly to the doctor today. I am struggling to find the balance of taking care of things around the house and stopping to listen to figure out what Joanne wants to say. Trying to schedule therapy sessions and get insurance approval, I have spent hours on the phone with insurance only to go around full circle back to where I started. We did receive some good news about her speech therapy. The insurance company agreed to pay for ten visits even though the rehab is not in their network. That will get us through till the end of the year, when we get to start over with the insurance paper chase. Hopefully I will be able to get approval for the OT as well and get off the phone for a little while. I am getting tired of talking and saying the same story over and over.

~Paul

Monday, November 26th

Joanne is continuing to improve. She had her first outpatient sessions today, which were very productive. She is working very hard to get the strength back in her right arm and is working even harder to make her hand work. They keep telling us it just takes time, but it can be hard to wait and it is still very frustrating for her. Her speech is improving as well, but is still a big hurtle. The kids are trying their best to understand what she says, but there are a lot of confused looks in the house. I think it must be like having a foreign exchange student, except we don't speak their language. I have to file an appeal to our health insurance to cover the therapy. The rehab is not in network and at the moment is not covered. I just want to be sure she gets the treatment she needs, so if I need to jump through a few hoops, then so be it.

~Paul

Saturday, November 24th

We certainly have a lot to be thankful for this Thanksgiving. Joanne came home Wednesday afternoon where she was greeted by a 'Welcome Home Mommy' sign. Lots of hugs and love pasted around. Thanksgiving day was spent at Susan and Greg's. The cousins played together as usual. We sat together and shared a delicious Thanksgiving meal. It was unbelievable to think that two weeks ago, we weren't sure if Joanne was going to survive and there we were eating dinner together as if nothing had happened. A full day out was exhausting, but I think it was good to be out. The kids and I are trying our best to understand everything Joanne says. Her speech is continuing to improve, but it is still a challenge for her to speak her mind. Her right hand is still not cooperating yet. She is doing exercises to strengthen her arm and hand. She'll be going three times a week for out patient speech and OT. Please continue to pray for complete healing of Joanne's speech and hand. Pray that the children and I won't become frustrated by our inability to understand what Joanne is saying. And pray that I will be able to care for Joanne, the kids, house, dog and myself without going completely insane. Thank you all for your continued assistance with meals, yard work, laundry, cleaning and your financial support. As Joanne keeps saying, "It's real","It's crazy" and "Unbelievable".

~Paul